Kentucky or Kiev?

I've seen many a rat tail in my day. Besides being a staple of the NASCAR crowd in Kentucky, they are immensely popular here in Kiev (along with the mullet). This however, was such an exemplary example, that I had to take a picture.

Quite frankly, I don't understand.

Saw this sign in the bathroom of the coffee shop the other day. I honestly don't understand what the problem is with throwing the toilet paper into the toilet. One of the things that has impressed me the most about this country is the incredible sucking power of the toilets here. I won't go as far as to say they are uncloggable (I'll wait until my brother visits to say that), but they certainly are built for strength. That said, I don't understand why people are being encouraged to throw their dirty toilet paper into the garbage can next to the toilet. I don't want to see that, plus it smells like, well, shit.

A few years back I stayed in a hostel that had a similar sign up, but it was because they were recycling the ...stuff. I'm all for saving the planet, but the idea of my Starbucks coffee cup, which is made of some percent of recycled paper, coming from recycled paper with someones shit on it just goes too far.

How do you spell consise?

Regardless of what my mother says, I was never a good writer. Actually, she'll tell you that I never was a good writer, and has no idea when I became a good one. I'm still working on an answer to that, and quite frankly don't see the same thing as her. One of my biggest problems with writing is brevity (fancy word for someone who doesn't write well). I've never been great at getting to the point when I write, and usually my editing process involves taking three sentences and making them into one.

In a great bout of irony, my current job involves writing. A LOT of writing. This week I have been working on an educational document that will be given to scientists to explain to them how to write the executive summary of a business plan. Among the things that are so wrong with this assignment - I'm writing a educational document that explains how to incorrectly do something. The executive summary is supposed to be done last! (or at least after you've fleshed out all of your ideas and are more than halfway done..)

That said, I find myself writing not only how to write the summary of a document that doesn't exist, but what you should have included in that document, and why it was important to include it. I have all of the concepts written and fleshed out. At this point I'm taking them and putting them into the format that I finally decided on. That in itself took a few hours.

So today I was working on this document. After roughly 7 hours and more than 2,100 words later (5 pages), I was finished with the section that explains how to write the financial information that should be included in an executive summary. By the way, the financial section of an executive summary averages about TWO paragraphs in length.

Now, while the information I've included is (to me) relevant and important, something tells me my bosses were expecting something much more concise in nature. So now, while I want to show them this section to make sure that it's what they were expecting, I also want to try to shorten it. I just can't figure out what isn't important.

C & D

Mentioned on the earlier list were these two items:

C) I had no food
D) My apartment smelled like a dead animal

A while back I got an email saying that there was an 'electrical problem' in my apartment. The landlady was checking to see when I was getting back in town to see when she had to have it fixed by. No big deal. When I left nothing was broken, so clearly something happened while I was gone and she was there. As far as I knew that was the end of the story.

So when I got back into my apartment and opened the door, the first thing that came out of my mouth was a four letter word. In addition to being rather hot (it was mid 80's for who knows how many days with no ventilation), I was greeted by the smell of chicken and death. It smelled like someone had left a pack of frozen chicken out in the sun for a week and nobody opened the windows to try to get the smell out. Yeah, welcome home.

It turns out that the 'electrical problem' that happened when I was gone was actually an electrical outage. The landlady isn't exactly sure how long the power was out before she found it, but needless to say, the roughly 10 pounds of frozen chicken I had in my freezer didn't appreciate it. I also had a pack of sauce and meatballs waiting in the freezer that I figured I would eat my first few days back while I restocked my food. That wasn't the case.

I also noticed that one of my containers of JIF peanut butter was missing. I know I didn't use the entire thing before I left. I'm fairly sure that while I was gone the landlady put it in the refrigerator while she was cleaning (as she's done once before). Then, when she was cleaning out my kitchen for things that went bad when the power went out, she must have thrown it away. Clearly this woman doesn't know how peanut butter works.

So for my first two nights back I had a tomato and cucumber salad for dinner with some bread. I hadn't had the time to get anything else. I went out and got them the day I got back. Other than that, the only things still left in my apartment were some cans of tomato paste, an unopened jar of peanut butter, some herbs and spices, and 2 containers of Dave's Insanity Sauce. (Which, while I was looking at the label this weekend, claims it can be used to remove the finish from wooden floors.)

Where to start

I think that because there is so much I could write here that I've just kept putting it off. So, I'll start breaking things down in pieces.

A) I had no internet
Even though I put 2 months worth of money into my internet account before I left, somehow the account managed to run out of money. I looked at the online account history and it looks like that for every day I was late on the internet bill they took about 4 UAH out of my account. The funny part is this - because I was 10 UAH short on the amount I left in my account, they slowly brought it down to 0 and then disconnected the service 4 UAH at a time from 90.

B) I had no hot water
This I half expected. Every year, the city of Kiev shuts off hot water for two weeks in rotating sections of the city. My apartment is located in the section of town that had the hot water shut off on July 21st - also known as the day I got back from a 7 week trip.

As a result of this, I got to take 3 'showers' with my electric kettle and a water pitcher. Fortunately this only lasted 3 days, and after that the electric or gas boiler in my apartment building was fixed. I don't really know what was wrong with it, but my landlady had to get someone to come and fix it.

I'm Alive

More information forthcoming. In the meantime, how about a pop quiz.

When I arrived back to my apartment:
A) I had no internet
B) I had no hot water
C) I had no food
D) My apartment smelled like a dead animal
E) My suitcase had been ripped
F) I was attacked by my shower
G) All of the above

Welcome to Kentucky

I should clearly come to this Starbucks more often. The children have all left and it's quieted down for lunch time. At this point the majority of the people I see coming in are either retired or just older in general. One specific person who just came in and sat down practically in front of me is a real piece of work. Probably in her early 30's or late 20's, this lady has unwrapped a pack of camel cigarettes and is now using the plastic tear strip to floss her teeth. She's not being discreet about it either, she's completely going into flossing her teeth as if she's getting ready for a hot date to come and visit her here.

Starbucks is not a playground

I realize I'm working in a public place, but there are 5 children running around me at this Starbucks. There's really nothing like watching a 2 year old girl with a booger hanging out of her nose lick a table, chair, and floor while trying to work.

Crazy Lady II

So after the old lady talked to and subsequentially drank some of her iced coffee yesterday she left. About 15 minutes later I saw her in the parking lot talking to a young woman who was coming into Starbucks. It looked like she was offering her drink to another person. After the young woman came in I asked her what the older lady said to her and it was something along the lines of “Life just keeps getting better.” My guess is she spiked her drink with something.

Jump forward 12 hours and I’m back at Starbucks sitting in the same seat. Out of the corner of my eye comes the exact same lady – same clothes and same two duffel bags over her shoulders. She still had the large plastic cup in her hand from her drink last night. So in she comes to Starbucks and gets in line again. I’m wondering if she gets a discount for being homeless, or spends her change on frappachinos. I suppose that’s better than booze. Anyways, she hasn’t asked me if I want to sample her drink yet today. Actually, I don’t see her in the line anymore. Maybe she’s showering in the ladies room.

Crazy Lady

So I’m sitting at a Starbucks minding my own business and working on a report. I’ve been here for a while the crowd is fairly typical for a Starbucks located near a mall and on a main street of the city - a mix of some college freshmen, a few mid-20's, and most of the older people have all left since it's past 8. Out of nowhere, an older lady – probably aged 50-60 comes up to me with what appears to be a frozen coffee drink of some kind and asks me if I want to “take a spoonful of her drink before she dives into it.” I replied by saying that I wasn’t interested but thanked her for the offer. She replied by saying something but I wasn’t completely paying attention and put my earphones back in. She walked across the room and appeared to start talking to her drink before “diving in.” I’m not sure exactly what happened but I’m slightly disturbed.